Monday, 25 February 2008

My version of Better Homes and Gardens: Handy Hints

The following are the top five most useful excuses and logical reasons for escaping horrible, horrible housework.

1. Leave things to "soak." Not only does this get you out of scrubbing stubborn burnt-on food, it's also a legitimate way to clean something. Score! Bonus points if you manage to leave it "soaking" for more than a week.

2. Incorporating a long, complicated chain of if-then scenarios into your cleaning in a way that prevents you from getting most, if not all, housework done. For example, we are (still) redecorating our bathroom. It also needs a good clean and sort-out. I really can't get it cleaned until the painting is done, and I really can't get the painting done until the borders are finished. I can't do the borders until the tiles are scraped, and I also need to locate a low-tack masking tape that won't peel three layers of paint off the walls when it's pulled off the wall (sigh). You see why I couldn't possibly get round to cleaning the bath or the sink, right? Exactly.

3. Destructive children. There is really no point in folding a mountain of clean laundry if your toddler is going to pull it all on top of herself and squeal with glee. However, this is a catch-all excuse, and while accurate, you don't get many points for creativity.

4. Substandard equipment. I don't iron clothes very often, and it's mostly because I'm lazy. But also? Our ironing board is very old and no longer straight. For some reason, it is covered in hills and valleys, making it frustrating to iron anything. It sits there in the cupboard, silently accusing me with its well-pressed stare, but I'm adept at ignoring it. Which brings us to number five...

5. "I didn't notice it!" This is my husband's favourite, and it's a real doozy. Sometimes he can get away with allowing destruction and mayhem to occur mere feet away from him, but because he was watching tv, he gets a pass on being responsible for the resulting mess. Nothing beats my friend's husband, though, whose daughter got into the makeup bag and annointed her entire body with mascara while sitting in her daddy's lap. He was watching Star Wars at the time, so of course he felt he should have been absolved of all responsibility.

There you have it. A short but useful list of time-honoured methods in escaping any and all housework or chores. Please feel free to add to the list. I'm always on the look-out for more ways to procrastinate. Even now, instead of making dinner, I'm waiting for the meat to defrost. Another hour of time sucking internet surfing, here I come!

4 comments:

Anna said...

The problem I have with leaving things to soak is that if they get in Mark's way (likely, given the size of our kitchen) he'll drain out the water and move them. So when I come back later, to genuinely clean them, they'll be bone-dry again. So I put them to soak for a second time. Sometimes we go round and round.

Laney said...

I like your style. These are all time honoured excuses in our house too.

The Back Pew said...

This is sheer brilliance. Thanks for the helpful tips...I will need to adapt some of these for yard work, but I especially appreciate the if...then arguments.

Emma in Canada said...

Hilarious! Apparently my family uses any one of these and more on a daily basis. I even posted pictures of the mess.